Guilty
by InsertACreativeNameHere
Summary: Post-HTTYD 2. As the Isle of Berk is dealing with the aftermath of Drago Bludvist's attack, Astrid struggles with her inner demons. Based on a prompt on Tumblr.


(desktop version highly advised)

GUILTY 

Astrid lifted her hand, shielding her eyes from the sun that reflected in the ice still covering a good part of Berk. Two weeks after Drago Bludvist's attack, a lot had yet to be done. It would take Berk a long time to fix what he and his Bewilderbeast had destroyed. And she didn't mean only the village. 

"Is this fine?" Fishlegs' uncertain voice rang above her and she snapped her head upwards. He and Meatlug hovered over one of the houses that had suffered from the attack. The steep roof was cut right through by a shard of light-blue ice. Astrid took a few steps closer and studied the building. The front wall was cracked in several places, the breaches spreading over it like a complicated spider web and cutting in dangerously deep. It would be tricky but it should hold, she mused. With a silent thumbs-up, she gave Fishlegs a nod. The rider patted the brown Gronckle affectionately, muttering something soothing into the dragon's pointy ear. She rolled her eyes slightly. 

"Be gentle. We don't want to cause any more damage," Astrid reprimanded them, though she knew that Fishlegs would be the last one in her group of friends to be anything but gentle. She shot a quick glance at Stormfly to make sure the dragon was fairly close in case something went wrong. Meatlug lowered herself and gripped the sleek ice with her paws. With the smallest of movements, the damage in the fractured wall got worse, the cracks spreading quickly, breaking more and more of the surface. Astrid winced, her blue eyes flickering from Meatlug to the endangered wall. It was going to be more challenging than she originally thought. 

Astrid made sure to whisk away other people and dragons alike before they started, but some stubborn ones made the point of staying by the damaged building. It was abstruse to her – there was so much to do around the village and yet they preferred to stand and stare while others worked. Two middle-aged women stood a few feet away, deeply engrossed in their conversation. Astrid caught names of her friends, neighbors, even her own, and she bit the inside of her cheek in irritation. If they were so eager to gossip about her and people she knew, one would think they would have the decency to do it somewhere she wouldn't actually hear it. She managed to ignore it for the most part. That was, until she heard it. 

"They say tha' one of the riders told Drago about Berk. That he wouldnea have come 'ere if it weren't for tha'." 

Astrid felt her whole body freeze over. Her arms fell limp against her sides as she swallowed hard. 

_They say that one of the riders told Drago about Berk._

She didn't dare to look back at the two women, but she could sense their eyes on her, embedded in her back. She sucked in her breath, feeling her muscles tighten. Horrible and all too familiar feelings of guilt washed over her knowing that it was her they were talking about, that it was she who, unintentionally, led to Berk's destruction. What was even worse, that was not all she had done. If she had not riled up Drago, he would not have attacked so early, he would not have caught them all by surprise and he would not have… 

"Astrid!" She snapped her head towards the source of the voice. She barely managed to throw her arms up in an attempt to shield herself as a part of the cracked wall started to fall. Stormfly jumped in and used her right wing to take the blow instead, saving her in the process. Astrid lowered her arms slowly, her heart thundering in her chest. The realization of what almost happened hit her with undeniable force and a pang of anger rose in her chest. She got lost in thought – there might not be Stormfly around next time. The dragon lowered her wing, laying the fallen part of the wooden wall on the ground gently. Astrid ran her hand over the dragon's head, her mind still on what happened a moment ago. 

"Thanks, girl." She looked up to see a hole in the front wall of the building. "That was close." 

"Astrid?! Are you okay?!" Meatlug and Fishlegs hit the ground next to her. The husky rider jumped of his dragon and trotted towards her, babbling and gesturing wildly with his hands the whole time. He grabbed her upper arms and she pushed him away, perhaps harsher than she intended. 

"I'm… I'm fine, Fishlegs." Her voice cracked by the end of the sentence much to her dismay. Someone could have gotten hurt because of her. _Again_. "I, I got distracted. It won't happen again." 

She could see that Fishlegs was still worried. The blonde gritted her teeth. With her jaw clenched, she turned away and pretended to look over the house. 

"We should finish this." 

"Are you-" 

" _Yes_ ," she snapped angrily. Fishlegs eyed her again, more warily this time, but did as she said. Astrid bit her lip and dared to look behind her. The two women were still there, their eyes on her. They knew, they had to. They were judging her, she could feel it. A lump formed in her throat and she forced herself to look away. 

The truth was, it was killing her. Since Drago Bludvist's attack, she spent countless nights staring at the bare walls of her room, unable to fall asleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw it happen all over again – Drago's base, the Sanctuary being destroyed, Stoick… It was all her fault. If she hadn't been so foolish, so naïve… She should have known better. Astrid was supposed to be a warrior, a protector. That was what she had aspired to be since the beginning, it was what her father raised her to be. And she had failed. Horribly. 

She had endangered those who she swore to protect. She hurt those who were the closest to her heart. 

Astrid left without a word after they managed to get the shard of ice out of the roof. Stormfly trudged behind her as she ran some errands and helped people with small repairs around the village. Stoick the Vast's imposing figure by the Great Hall loomed over her, crushing her with guilt. Whenever her eyes caught the sight of her former chief, Hiccup's father, carved into the mountain wall, her heart squeezed, thinking of the numerous "what-ifs." 

She was walking towards the forge to bring all the scrap metal she had gathered that day when she saw Valka. The slender woman was helping Gobber with taking the metal armor off the newly-arrived dragons. They could only imagine what atrocities the poor things had suffered under Drago Bludvist's rule. Astrid's heart twinged knowing that they hadn't been much better not that long ago, the terrifying images of dragons in the Training Arena standing before her eyes. Even though Valka wore a small smile as she treated the dragons, Astrid knew the woman had dark circles under her eyes after suffering many sleep-deprived nights. 

The blonde halted, her boots digging themselves into muddy ground. Nowadays all she could see when she looked at Hiccup's mother was the gentle Bewilderbeast falling to his death and Valka's home being destroyed. Because of her. It was too much. 

Astrid looked around, hugging the metal to her chest protectively. People were passing by, some of them nodding towards her in greeting or sending a small smile. Astrid felt numb as she absently responded with a nod or a bland smile of her own. She had never been more relieved to see Snotlout walking by. 

"Snotlout!" The shorter Viking looked her way, surprise clear on his face. He reached her with a quirked eyebrow and his head slightly tilted in confusion. She shoved all the scrap metal into his chest as soon as he came over. He staggered backwards with his eyes wide open, trying to catch all of what she threw at him. Parts of it fell to the ground. She let out a huff. "Give this to Gobber." 

"Why me?" He looked at her questioningly, his eyes flickering to the forge. He moved as if to point towards the smithy, but remembered all the metal he had in his arms. "He's right there. Can't you do it yourself?" 

"No." Her expression darkened. She reached for the fallen pieces and shoved them into his arms as well. "Just… just do it, okay?" 

"Ooookay, Miss Bossy-pants," Snotlout fixed the bits in his arms, eyeing her suspiciously. He turned to leave and her hands curled into fists automatically when she heard him mumble to himself, " _Someone_ woke up on the wrong side of her dragon today." 

Astrid's expression hardened as she followed him with her eyes until he reached the smithy. A conversation broke out between him and Valka, and she could see the older woman frown. Hiccup's mother looked up and their eyes met for a brief moment. With her heart pinched, Astrid quickly bowed her head in respect and turned on her heel, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment upon getting caught staring. What if Valka knew? 

Her head hurt. The headache got worse every time someone asked her whether she had seen Hiccup that particular day. She hadn't. She didn't mean to avoid him at first. They were both busy with the repairs and, in Hiccup's case, running the village. They still managed to catch each other somehow in the beginning. But then the guilt caught up to her and she couldn't face him anymore. Knowing what she had done to him gnawed away at her, eating her up. He didn't know. Yet. And she was scared to face him when he found out. Not because of him being furious with her, but because of the disappointment and betrayal that he would feel. 

It would be normal for her to look for Hiccup after she finished her part of the repairs but she hadn't done so in several days. He noticed, she was sure. 

The words she heard that day rang in her head, played over and over again, leaving her restless. Stormfly tried her best to cheer her up - Astrid loved her so much for that - but it did little to brighten her mood in the end. She needed to get away from all the noise, find a place that wouldn't remind her of the horrible mistakes she had made. She now understood better than ever why Hiccup sometimes just mounted Toothless and left for a few hours. 

She settled for the cove. 

A wave of nostalgia hit her as soon as she landed. Gods only knew when the last time was she had been there. It looked the same as it did years ago – the same tall trees overlooked the cove, the same lake was located in the middle. She could almost picture Toothless running around and fifteen-year-old Hiccup doodling some distance away. She would usually sneak up on him, silently shaking her head at how unobservant he was. He would yelp in surprise once she plopped beside him, spluttering out a torrent of words and closing his precious sketchbook in a hurry. As if she hadn't already seen what it contained. Astrid smiled sadly as she recalled the old times; life seemed simpler back then. 

The girl jumped from her saddle and straightened her skirt absently, doing it more out of habit that anything else. Stormfly squawked in concern and pushed her snout under her rider's arm. The blonde reached for the dragon, placing a hand on each side of the Nadder's scaly head and leaning in to hug her. Warm scales came in contact with Astrid's cold skin. It felt… nice, comforting. She needed that. 

Astrid took a seat by the edge of the old lake, bringing her legs close to her chest. She closed her eyes and propped her head on her knees, letting the soft breeze wash over her face. Stormfly nestled herself on the grass next to her rider, and the girl could hear her moving around as she got more comfortable. When the Deadly Nadder finally settled, Astrid was struck by the silence that came over the cove. She could hear a bird or two chirping in the distance and the wind softly brushing the trees by the edge of the small canyon, but nothing else beside it. Compared to the constant commotion in the village, the lack of noise here was soothing, if not a little overwhelming. She could feel her muscles loosening up a little as time passed. She didn't know how long she stayed like that. 

The familiar sound of a Night Fury reached her just as the sun began to settle, and her eyes flew open. She swallowed, praying to the gods that Hiccup was simply flying by, paying no mind to the familiar hidden cove in the middle of the forest. Stormfly woke up and raised her head, tilting it in curiosity as she looked at the darkening sky. Her pupils dilated once she recognized the dragon and his rider, and she raised herself from the grass, wings bouncing up and down, the Nadder ready to greet the newcomers. The flutter of wings grew closer. Astrid swore under her breath, throwing an angry look at the clear water in the pond in front of her. She couldn't face him, not right now. 

"Astrid?" Her back stiffened when she heard his nasally voice followed by the familiar sound of his metal prosthetic hitting the ground. He sounded worried, and she felt horrible. "There you are. I've been looking for you." 

She remained silent, not knowing how to respond. She heard him walk over to her, steady clicks of his metal leg growing closer. He joined her on the ground, sitting cross-legged in the spot that was previously occupied by Stormfly. Astrid could feel his eyes on her and she had to stop herself from turning his way automatically, digging her nails into her calf instead. She was sure Hiccup was looking at her with those wide-open green eyes filled with worry- his brow was probably creased, his lips pressed together. She didn't dare to look at him. 

"Fishlegs told me you had an accident." Of course he did, she thought bitterly. "And Snotlout mentioned your behavior was... rather peculiar," Hiccup continued, his voice soft, quiet. She almost snorted at his choice of words. He didn't seem to realize as he reached for her hand. Astrid almost drew back; the burning feeling of his hand touching hers spread like wild flames over her body. He squeezed her hand as he always did and ran his thumb over her cold skin. She shivered despite herself. "What's wrong?" 

She looked at him for the first time in what seemed like years. He looked tired. She felt her stomach drop once she noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the worn-out look on his face. A few years ago there was a running joke around the village about Hiccup and how he looked nothing like his much bigger father. They were all wrong. Stoick and his only son resembled each other more than they all realized; it was simply a matter of looking close enough. It made it much harder for her to face Hiccup now, knowing she was the reason his father was no more. 

He kept his eyes on her, his warm gaze never leaving her face. She could see all the love he held for her in his eyes and her heart swelled. Hiccup deserved for her to be honest with him. They were a team; they trusted each other with their lives. She couldn't stand the thought of him finding out from someone else, by accident. He deserved better than that. 

She needed to let it out before it consumed her. 

"They say…" she paused for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts and muster the courage. She and her friends had been through a lot and faced many dangers, but the wild dragons and dragon hunters weren't nearly as scary as Hiccup's possible reaction to what she had unintentionally done. She searched for the best way to tell him, without any result. There just wasn't a good way to say it. 

"They say that one of the riders told Drago about Berk," she quietly began, her mind blank. Her eyes flicked to her lap and their interwoven hands for a second before turning back towards him. He had one of his eyebrows raised the way he always did when the twins told him about some bizarre thing they had come up with. He was confused. She frowned. 

"Um." He shifted, his knee bumping into her side awkwardly. 

"It-it was me. I did it. I told Drago about Berk." The words flew out of her mouth, rushed and messy. Hiccup's confusion turned into something else, a look she had seen on his face a few times but had never been able to figure out what it meant. He then drew his brows together, processing the new information. The grip on her hand loosened, and she almost tugged his warm hand back towards her possessively. Almost. 

"I was… trying to-" She trailed off, angry with her inability to express herself properly. What was she trying to do? She could almost feel the cold, biting air of Drago's base, and hear the waves crashing on the side of the boat. She remembered the fear that had crept up on her when she faced the man for the first time and the adrenaline rush when she decided to bite back. "I wanted to intimidate him, to let him know we would fight back, and I, I endangered Berk and you and…" 

Her chest heaved, worried about how he was going to react. He had his face tilted away from her. His hand released hers and she didn't do anything to stop it, giving him the space that he needed. Astrid half-expected him to call Toothless over and leave the cove altogether. He shifted away from her silently, eyes up ahead. His jaw tightened and his left hand gripped his knee tightly, fingers digging into the worn-out leather. His face, usually so expressive and quite easy to read, turned blank and she couldn't tell what he was thinking about. 

"I'm so sorry, Hiccup," the moment the words left her mouth, she realized how stupid and insipid it sounded. He didn't move and gave no sign he heard what she said. Astrid curled in on herself, circling her arms tightly around her shins. She felt… powerless. Usually she would battle with her problems the way a Viking, or a dragon rider, would. She would face them with a steely determination, head first. Now, she didn't know what to do, or what to say. She could keep telling him how truly sorry she was, over and over again, but she knew that, in the end, it wouldn't make anything better. 

Astrid's head snapped towards Hiccup when she felt a too-warm hand land on her upper arm. The contact was so sudden she jumped in her seat. Hiccup's eyes were on her but the distant look told her he wasn't actually looking at her. 

"Astrid… Drago," he swallowed as he gathered his thoughts. "Drago is, _was_ , a, a madman." He shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment. "You had no idea he would do something like that." 

"But I should have, Hiccup," she answered heatedly, frustrated that he seemed to have been missing the point. "I should have known better than to try to attack back when the stakes were so high." 

His hand left her arm, and she felt colder than ever before. She yearned for his presence and his touch. She missed him, terribly. Hiccup fell silent again. 

"If, if it weren't for me…" she trailed off, unable to finish. Her lip trembled. She saw Hiccup's eyes widen with realization and he turned his attention to her. 

"Astrid, you can't be possibly thinking-" He moved to face her, one of his hands hanging in the air awkwardly. He hesitated before placing it back on her upper arm. "What happened by the Sanctuary," his voice trembled as he spoke, "was not your fault, okay?" 

"But-" 

"No, Astrid," he cut her of firmly. "You made a mistake, it happens to everyone, gods only know how many I have made, but you can't keep beating yourself about it." 

"You don't understand…" she whispered out meekly. Astrid felt something wet on her cheek and she angrily wiped the tear away. 

"I do, believe me, Astrid, I do," he used his hand to get rid of another tear that started to run down her cheek. He smiled at her sadly, and she saw his eyes glistening. Her heart broke seeing him like that. "I understand more than you think." 

She shook her head wordlessly, not believing him. He couldn't understand, could he? He wouldn't have broken under the pressure if he were in her place, she was sure about that. He was better than that. 

His fingers slid across her arm and took her hand in his again. She didn't fight against it. 

"When, when Drago attacked the Sanctuary," she could hear him take a deep breath, "d-despite what mom and, and dad had told me, I wanted to try and change Drago's mind. I, I thought that I could, but…" He had never told her that before. The grip on her hand tightened, making it almost painful for her. "He used Toothless to, to… show me what he was capable of. Astrid, he used my best friend t-to…" Hiccup cut himself off. He used his other hand to wipe his eyes. She could see his face getting redder. His freckles stood out more against his unnaturally colored cheeks. He sniffed. She held onto his hand as he calmed down, feeling more powerless than ever before. 

"What, what I'm trying to say is, th-this man, Drago," he made a vague gesture in the air. "He had no, no boundaries as to what he would do to show his power." 

Astrid shook her head again, with less force this time. She could never understand it, but there was something captivating in the way Hiccup talked. She wasn't exaggerating when she said that he could be very persuasive back when they were on Eret's ship for the first time. He had this gift and if the others hadn't come and interrupted, he would have convinced Eret, no doubt about that. Now, she found herself compelled by his words. 

"I should have been more careful about what I say. I should have been more aware of possible consequences," she responded, but it had less fire in it. 

"M'lady, no one blames you." Astrid was struck by the confidence and sincerity in his voice. He sounded so sure of what he was saying, she didn't know how to respond. She wanted to believe it. Squeezing her hand in his, Hiccup continued. "I don't blame you, Mom doesn't blame you, and the village doesn't as well, I'm sure. And I know for a fact that my dad wouldn't either." 

"I-" Astrid opened and closed her mouth, not knowing what to say. Hiccup smiled at her softly. 

"Do you trust me?" 

"Of course." She answered with no hesitation. Hiccup reached for her second hand, bringing them both closer. 

"Then trust me when I tell you that no one blames you for what happened." 

"The two women-" 

"-don't know anything," he finished for her. "They weren't there when it happened. You shouldn't listen to them or let their words get to you." 

Astrid glanced at him, trying to see any trace of anger or betrayal on his face, only to find none. Two streams of dried tears on his cheeks made it obvious she wasn't the only one to shed a tear. Her hand went to his cheek before she registered it and he leaned in, closing his eyes for a second. His hand covered hers. 

"I love you." No matter how many times he had said that to her, it still made her head spin and heart soar in the most pleasant and exciting way possible. "It wasn't your fault." 

Her eyes met his. It was clear he fully believed what he said and Astrid felt some weight being lifted from her shoulders. She leaned her forehead against his, letting out a shuddering breath. No one, not even the dragons, heard her response as she whispered it to him. 

"I believe you." 


End file.
